LoL.ie

Osama Bin Laden

 Loading ...

0

Osama Bin Laden said: China is the world’s only country we absolutely cannot mess with.

The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks on the Chinese with the following results:

One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the three-dimensional traffic bridge;

One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus even after two hours;

One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found that the bomb’s remote control was stolen;

One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu, but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;

One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but even after 6 months, failed to see any news reports of the success of the bombing. al-Qaeda accused him of claiming a false victory and executed him!

One person tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag (containing the bomb) from him;

One person who arrived in Xi’an lost contact, and was later found at the hospital in a state of coma. Doctors said it was the result of him eating not only “black-hearted” food products, but he also drank fake alcohol, and could possibly turn into a “vegetable” (vegetative state);

Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island, but she was conned into prostitution!

Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember, China is the world’s only country we absolutely cannot mess with!

Affair

 Loading ...

0

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”

“Hell,” she answered, ripping open her blouse. “Look what he did to my tits!”

Little Johnny

 Loading ...

0

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?” Johnny: “9″
Principal: “What is 6×6?” Johnny: “36″

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade,” The teacher says to the principal, “let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Johnny, after a moment, “legs”. Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’ eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied,” Pockets”. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions”.

Blonde Sells a Car

 Loading ...

0

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

Drunks

 Loading ...

0

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night, look at the moon.”

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. “You are wrong, that’s not the moon, that’s the sun.”

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it the moon or the sun?”

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, “Sorry, I don’t live around here.”