LoL.ie

The Blind Man

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A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.
“Can I come in?” a male voice asks.
“Who is it?” the woman asks.
“It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.
The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.
The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?”

An Accident and an Engineer, Manager and Programmer

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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.”
The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.”
The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

Stopped for Speeding

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did ‘I’ get the ticket?”
“Ever go fishing?” the policeman asked the man.
“Ummm, yeah…” the man replied.
“You mean you still go fishing, even though you can’t possibly catch ALL the fish?”

In the News

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A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6:00pm news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!”
Sure enough, the man jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.
The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet.”
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5:00pm news, so I can’t take your money.”
The blonde replied, “Well, so did I, but I never thought he would jump twice!”

What Time the Bar Opens?

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At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=
drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks.

“Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.
“Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I
can have room service send something up to you.”

“No… I don’t wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!”